Looking for "Shee-Shee"

"Oh, Shee-Shee where are you?" I say in a sing song voice as my 18 month old granddaughter Grace and I go on a hunt for her beloved stuffed bunny. Her Mom thinks she named her (or rather "it") "Shee-Shee" because we were always going around saying, "Where is she?" If we can't find her, Grace becomes as upset as a mother losing track of  her child. Little Gracie adores this inanimate object, and will not be soothed until we find her lost love, which cannot love her in return. It is a one-way relationship. She is attached to an object.

I wonder if I am really not that different from this needy toddler. I think about all the Shee-Shees I have had in my life, attached to objects that make me feel safe and comforted. Or worse yet, loving people as if they were my Shee Shee, wanting them to never leave my side, and feeling terrified when they do.

There is a lot of psychology written about this normal stage of development, and then "abnormal" psychology when this stage of life is somehow disrupted. If you want to know more, it is called Object Relations Theory. It is very complicated and kind of scary to read, because if something goes amiss, you could end up with a terrible label, such as "borderline personality", "dependent personality" or "narcissism" as a few examples. 

I think something went wrong with my "normal" developmental sequence, but I don't think I'm alone. I have observed that almost all the people I have met seem to display some of the traits of these disorders. I notice that I and many others are looking for our lost "Shee-Shee" and try to either make or pretend that the people or things in our life will provide this constant emotional security, predictability and comfort that so many of us long for. There is a big problem when we do this, and it can be more devastating than receiving a "sick" label.

The problem is that the objects that we become attached to might not be good for us or become the "Shee-Shee" of our world, which in adult terms translates into an addiction. The other problem is that we might get confused and expect our loved ones (i.e. spouse, parents, children) to be our "Shee Shee" with the belief that they will be available at all times for us and they are SUPPOSED to ALWAYS make us FEEL GOOD.

I know this is totally irrational, but I find myself having this desire for this kind of attachment deep within myself. When I am totally honest with myself, I want a "Shee-Shee", and I think I have spent the majority of my life looking for it in all the wrong places.

I am not proud of the emotional attachments I have made to objects. As a former smoker, I can remember having a close relationship to my cigarette "friends". I could always count on them to soothe my emotions and they were always available. Not only that but they didn't expect anything from me. The emotional attachment I had with them was much harder to get over than the chemical addiction. I find I now have a similar relationship with coffee and chocolate. I personify these objects as "friends" because I get confused with the emotional comfort they provide. I have to remind myself that they are OBJECTS.

And then there were people. People who have loved me. And I forgot that they were NOT objects. Through the years I have objectified the people I loved the most, expecting them to be always available, predictable and comforting. To be my cigarettes. To be a "Shee-Shee". 

One day, a few years ago. I found myself alone. My mother and father had passed. My children had their own lives and my husband had fallen in love with another woman. I was alone with only me and all my self-help books. They told me that by myself, I could be enough. That I was supposed to love myself, eat right, exercise and go out and make new friends. 

My life long search for "love" had failed. I didn't even know what the word meant. Through much introspection and reading I had learned not to personify objects or objectify people. But the longing would not cease, and I was not about to go repeating the same patterns. I had hit bottom and could no longer cope with my awareness of  my separateness or the shame from all the damage I had caused in my own life and the lives of others. I had failed LIFE 101.

There was only one choice left... Jesus. I had balked at having faith in an invisible "friend" my entire life, but I had come to the end of myself.  So with a strong dose of humility, I decided to believe. I made Jesus my "Shee-Shee". After awhile my "Pretend Friend" became Very Real. I studied the Bible and went to church. I learned that humans had become separated from God a long long time ago. I found my story in the Bible and I found my eternal savior and comforter. I am no longer terrified of being alone. I have a living and loving "Shee-Shee". But most amazing of all, I have been forgiven for all the damage I have caused by personifying objects and objectifying people. 

     Even though I walk through the darkest valley,

           I will fear no evil, for you are with me,

     your rod and your staff, they comfort me.    

                                                        -Psalm 23:4