"Good-bye" Spokane

I have lived in Spokane for most of my 58 years...and now I am replanting myself in Illinois to be with my 2 daughters and their families.  And I will be leaving my other daughter, family members and some very dear friends.  In addition, I am leaving a career of 30+ years.

I won't go into to the rhymes and reasons.  Let's just say that the timing was apparent.

"I am moving away." 

Many people have said those exact words a few times in their life.  Now it is my turn and I hate it.  I love where I am going and I love what I am leaving behind.  Besides all the planning and packing, their is a plethora of emotion...but the hardest one to experience is the "last" good-bye.

I know that all this emotion will eventually pass away.  Everyone's life will go on and a new staus quo will be created.  It is very much like giving birth, except that I have the choice about how much emotion I want to experience.  Emotional pain is different that way...one can choose to not experience it.   You cannot choose to escape physical pain, but what about emotional suffereing?

I know a lot of people, including myself that will go to great lengths to avoid the pain of loss.  The ways to do it are numerus.  Lots and lots of literature is out there on how to "deal" with emotional pain.  After all, isn't avoiding pain and seeking pleasure what we are wired to do as humans?

I had my last day of work yesterday.  Not only was I ending a career, but leaving some very dear co-workers.  Everyone I said "good-bye" to had their own way of doing so.  But the one I will always remember was the one who deeply embraced me for a long time.  I could hear him swallowing his tears, as the tears flowed from my eyes.  Reflecting on that memory today, the tears are streaming again.  Even though I have so much to get done today, I want to embed this "painful" memory deep into my soul. 

Grief seems to be so entangled with Love, that I cannot tell the difference.   Jesus promised us life to the fullest.  I always saw a "full" life as meaning  full of the "good" stuff.  I am beginning to think that He may have meant the fullness of our emotional life as well. 

I have some more "last" goodbyes to walk through and I am not looking forward to them.  Our world is too busy for all this exhausting emotion... and yet emotion is the only way to know the depth of our connections.

There is another emotion that is a "choice".  And that is gratitude.  I have missed many opportunities to thank so many of the people in my life.  And how do I thank a city?  I don't know what that even means.

All I know is "Good-bye Spokane... and thank you."

"Entitlement"

"Entitlement" is kind of buzz word going around these days.  It has a negative connotation, in that most of us use it to judge someone who thinks they deserve something even though they did not earn it. 

I ponder this term, because I puzzle over the question, "What exactly makes a person entitled to anything?"   People will jump right onto the bandwagon of believing that hard work should be rewarded.  There is something satisfying about feeling that I "earned" or "deserve" it, whatever it is.

But where does  this belief come from and is it really the truth?  I am told I am entitled to more money than the people who work under me, because I went to college and "deserve" it.  So perhaps I was born with more brains and opportunities than them.  Maybe they had the same opportunities and did not take advantage of them or maybe they didn't have the same gifts and circumstances.  Is my sense of entitlement really necessary, or am I just trying to justify the idea that I deserve more when I actually don't. 

So what are we entitled to?  At one point we are all equal...the moment of birth.  At that time some people are born with more genetic gifts than others, or into a better environment.  Some people are even born with a blood line that makes them "royalty".  Or some "needy" people feel entitled because of their plight. Over time, most of us come to believe that some people are entitled to more than others for a multitude of reasons.

Who deserves what?  And who decides?  I don't know the answer to that.  But I do know that a sense of "entitlement" has the potential to do great harm at any level. What do I deserve?  Perhaps the consequences of my actions, but even that is not a given.

No, I am not entitled to anything.  ALL of it has been given to me by God, including my freedom to use or abuse it.  I don't know why some are born with "less", or why life isn't fair. But I believe anyone rich or poor, lucky or unlucky, who carries an attitude of entitlement...will never know God.

"Indeed there are those who are last who will be first, and first who will be last."  Luke 13:30



 

The Art of Growing "Old"

I hate to break the news, but you are going to be part of the "geriatric" population someday.  I have worked with this population for quite some time...and now I am almost one of THEM!

People talk a lot about preparing for old age.  Our culture puts much emphasis on health prevention and financial planning.  You can read it almost anywhere.  The concept is that good health and money will be all you need to secure a "happy" future.

I think these things are very important, but I notice there is very little emphasis on what I think is the most important practice of all...the practice of Grace.  I wish I would have started this practice a long time ago, because I can now see that this is the most important part of getting older.  Money and health are always out of our control...Grace is not. 

I will not go into the biblical meaning of Grace, but many of my beliefs are Christian based. 

My Mom used to say she wanted to "grow old gracefully".  I used to think she meant not to be hung up about the wrinkles or gray hair.  I really don't know what she meant by it, but I have come to believe it is an art that is to be practiced.  I believe this because I see so many in this population that are bitter and depressed.  Why?  A combination of reasons...but mostly because they cannot do what they used to do anymore.  Basically, everyone's body eventually wears out.  That is why Grace is so important and much easier to come by if a person started the practice early on. 

I will outline a couple of the things I have now started to practice.  Most of them I got from the Bible.  I think these are helpful at any age and I can guarantee if they are not practiced, growing old will NOT be "golden".

Be happy for others.  As I grow older there are many experiences that I will never have or are over. There are activities I can no longer do.  One remedy is to find new interests.  Another is to be truly interested in the lives of others.  It is better to be a cheerleader than to sit on the sideline angry that you can't be in the game.

Select your memories.  I have a huge scrapbook of memories in my brain.  I get to choose which ones I think about and I like to pick the ones that make me feel good.  If I get saddened because I cannot go back in time, I feel grateful that I actually had the wonderful experience.  After all, isn't that why we spend so much time making memories?

Love your old body.  Our society is horrific when it comes to looking youthful.  Loving my aging body is a very difficult practice.  I try to marvel at how many movements my body has been through, but I am sad that my body is getting older.  Probably the most important aspect of Grace and the hardest is acceptance.

Those are just a few things I work on.  For me, I just know I DO NOT want to grow into what I see in so many of my patients.  I see people who are bitter because their "hay days" are almost over.  I have a feeling that the happy ones I see have practiced an attitude of grace for a very long time.

When I was young and would have read this, I would have thought, "I'll worry about that later, I'm still young and don't have to bother with that."  Wisdom is mostly retrospective.  In my opinion, if I had to pick which is the most important thing to prepare for old age...I would definitely choose Grace.

God's Wink ;-)

First, I apologize for the cheesy picture....but it will all make sense to you very soon.

There have been too many "just coincidences" in my life.  The timing is too uncanny and incredible to just chalk it up to probability.  I call these moments "winks from God".  With some googling, I found out I am not alone...there are even books written about it.

I could write about so many of these moments, but I want to share a recent story that may have been "just coincidence"... or not.

I drive a lot on my job, and I see a lot of "beggars" on the corner.  I can never decide if I should give something, so this summer I decided to try an "experiment".

The rules went like this:  I keep dollar bills on my console,  Every time I am the first car stopped at the intersection, I am to give the beggar a dollar...no matter what.  I really don't know why I decided to do this and with these particular rules.  I just made the decision and went with it.

All summer long I probably gave away two dollars total.  And then last week, I had this most unusual experience:

At the end of the day, I came to a stop light and saw the most dirty and ugly beggar ever.  I couldn't read his sign, but he was kinda scary looking. I rolled down my window and put out my dollar.  He hobbled over and leaned close to the window and gently took the dollar with filthy hands. His red and watery eyes connected with mine as he said a very heartfelt "God bless you".   Immediately, "Jesus on the cross" was the thought that pierced through my mind.  (Trust me, I don't usually think like this.)

I had previously decided to swing by Starbucks which was about 2 blocks away.  After ordering at the drive-thru, I had this incredibly long talk with God.  It went something like this: "So God, does it really matter that I gave him a dollar?  Should I have given him more...or maybe not at all?  I mean, what if he uses it to buy wine or something bad?  Wouldn't that be enabling him?  Does it really matter at all God...it was just a stupid dollar.  And not only that God, but my heart wasn't in it.  Aren't I supposed to care about him and feel good about this?  Actually God, I don't.  I am confused and I don't have any feelings at all about what I did.  What do you make of all this God?"

While chattering away, I had made my way to the window to pay for my coffee.  I handed the barista my card and she says,  "Oh no, you don't have to pay...the customer ahead of you paid for it."  I was hit so hard by this, that I did not "pay it forward"...but drove away in a daze.  I knew this was more than a fun "wink" from God, it was more like a "jolt".

I have been processing this for the past week.  I know God was at work to send me a message.  Normally "coincidences" like this build my faith that God is present and at work.  This was different.  This was a lesson. 

Let's look at the "givers".  The person who started the "pay it forward" got no thanks.  Not only that, he or she was giving to people who could afford it and was contributing to a possible caffeine addiction.  That kind of giving makes no sense to me.  I gave a lousy dollar that probably won't make a lot of difference...that makes no sense to me either.

All of my life, I have lived by reason...to try to be a good steward of resources.  I usually give to those I love.  If a give to causes, I have to deem them "worthy".  God has shaken my logic. I am learning something that is extremely difficult for me to fathom...that LOVE is NOT always logical.  I had assumed that I was dealing with a logical God...but maybe not.  Love without reason?  I am still struggling with this irrational awareness: JUST GIVE. 

There was one other thought I had about this small scenario.  In the story, who is the saint?  The beggar had nothing to give, except his blessings from God to me.  I was blessed  5 minutes later...and it was a whole lot more than a free cup of coffee!

 

Just Watch!

There is this skill I have acquired over the years that I want to share with you.  It is called "detached observation".  My first encounter of it was in the study of the sciences.  Scientists are supposed to detach themselves from the outcome and be free of all biases.  To observe without any emotion is very difficult, and one has to be kinda like Spock.                         

Another time I learned this skill was when I trained as a counselor.  We had to listen without any agenda as clients told us their "story".   We were taught to not project our own personal story onto them.  This is actually trickier than science, because we were trying to "relate" and stay separate at the same time.  This is even harder with the people we love. 

The last time I practiced this skill was after my heart was broken.  Practicing detached observation became a way of life to endure the pain of loss. 

Because of all this practicing, I have become skilled at "watching"... and I can choose to watch with or without emotion.  I can even watch myself watch!  I can watch the earth and see all the humans carrying out their individual stories.  I watch the human species like I am a curious alien... apart from all the stories... just watching.

I can watch my own thoughts as if they were objects, and not attach myself to any of them. 

A lot of religions espouse the skill of this emotional detachment.  A person has no pain, because there is no attachment.  Some "new age" people call this living in the "here and now" and call it freedom.

And actually it is freeing and peaceful to let everything be what it is...but it also has a huge cost.

After watching the world go by, no matter if I am viewing from above or from within... I am not "in" the story.  My only story then becomes watching the story.  I am the audience.

There is much power in this posture.   And with that power is the danger of arrogance and passivity.  In some ways it is like playing God.  As I watch in amusement as everyone clings to everything, I am not choosing any sides or involved in any change.  I am worse than someone sitting on the fence with indecision.  I am even above the fence! 

From this lofty viewpoint I see some people getting off the fence and taking a stand.  I don't know if their stand is correct or going to make a difference.  I just see PASSION. 

I am happy that I have this observational skill.  It is useful at times to be like Spock.  But I am not a Vulcan... I am a human.  I want off this perch.  I want to FEEL.  I want a story.  I want to choose a side.

The question is... do I want to watch the show or be in it?  And if  I want to be in it...do I want to sit on the fence or commit to something?  And what would I like to be committed to?

I love Christianity because it is ALL about relationship...and that means attachment.  That is very messy because it involves emotions and drama.

Jesus asks us to be involved in a story...God's story.  We are invited to get off the fence and take a stand...a committment to love in action.

   

    

The "Balloon Poppers"

Beware!  Watch out for the Balloon Poppers. (aka; The Realist or the Pragmatist.) Dreamers...especially be on guard.  They will burst your bubble or let the air out of your tires...and they will do it right in front of you!

I am one of these unpopular "Poppers".  I don't like the job much, but somebody's got to do it.  Why?  My motivation is to be a "steward" of resources.  I don't really have a better reason other then to prevent unnecessary spending of time, money and energy.  There is no emotion to my logic.  POP! 

I wonder how many balloons I pop on a daily basis.  There is quite a trick to it.  You can sugar coat the information, so it isn't as hard to take.  Or you can present the reality with the "silver lining" touch.  But in the end, the facts are the facts no matter how they're wrapped.

Some bubbles need to burst.  (I don't pop them all, because I do not want all hope to be lost.  This is a practical reason for not popping.)    I am just the lady with the information and you get to do what you want with it.  (Don't kill the messenger...or in this case the Popper.)

Balloon popping involves telling the truth.  And the truth is...nobody really wants to hear it...except if it is what they want to hear.  Even though people say they want the truth, in my experience this doesn't seem to be "true".  I bet you don't like hearing that...which proves my point!

I look to Jesus as my role model.  He is the best Popper I know and just look what happened to him! He told the Truth...always.  People still don't want to hear it.  More than anything, I would love to keep everyone's dreams intact.  The problem is that sometimes those dreams do more harm than good.

So I will live with my Popper responsibility.  It is my belief that the truth will set everyone free, but it won't happen until the walls of denial and delusion come crashing down.  In the meantime, I will continue to be as honest with myself and others as gently as I can. 

I don't have the objective of setting everyone free as our Savior did.  For me, I am Popping for the goal to be "safe and sane".  Poppers may be a necessary "evil", so please have a little patience with the Poppers.  Most of us care about the Poppies, or we wouldn't waste our time.

"There's No Place Like Home"

How many times have you watched "The Wizard of Oz"?  I still never tire of it.  Especially the universal theme of seeking that which is "over the rainbow".
 

Every character is seeking something in the story.  For example, courage, heart or intelligence.  But the MAIN character Dorothy is seeking to go HOME.

But what is home?  Over the years, home has been many places for me.  In my youth, home is where my hometown was and where my family lived.  I can remember the feelings of  home "sickness", when I would be away at camp or college and long to be back "home".  That place of comfort, predictability and safety.

I still have deep longings for "home", but it is different now.  Like Dorothy, I still live in "Kansas", which I call Spokane.  Some of my main characters are gone now.  My mother and father have passed on, and I have an apartment I call "home".  But I still feel like I am in a dream, looking for the "yellow brick road" to lead me home.

For me, the whole experience of my life has not been unlike this movie classic.  I have spent most of my time trying to find the permanent and perfect home.  My brain knows it does not exist on this earth, and yet I have this longing for this kind of home I KNOW exists somewhere. (If not over the rainbow... then where???) 

I have come to believe that this "Home" is heaven, and the parent always available is God.  I have faith in this because nothing else can explain this longing...and it is universal.   Sometimes when I pray, I am really writing letters Home...just like a kid away at camp.  I feel like I do not belong here, and it is a temporary visit.  I long to be reunited with my Perfect Parent...Permanently.

I found it quite astonishing to read this in the Bible.  In Hebrews, the author talks about main characters of the Bible who had all lived by faith.  Here is what he has to say about them...
 
"And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth.  People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own.  If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would  have had opportunity to return. Instead they were longing for a better country - a heavenly one.  Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them."  
  -Hebrews 11:13-16

I don't have the answers for many things...like what I am supposed to do while I am here.  All I know is, like Dorothy I do long to be Home.  There are times when I feel very close to Home, and I don't need a "wizard" to take me there.  If I told you how simple it was, you wouldn't believe me.  Just close your eyes and repeat over and over... "There's no place like Home". (And don't forget to tap your ruby slippers while you do this!)

That is the advice that Glenda the witch gave to Dorothy and maybe she is right.  Maybe Home is not over the rainbow.  Maybe it is closer than we know.  Maybe we don't have to wait until we get off this planet.  Maybe we can have a few moments when we are "here" and Home.  Jesus said it best:

"The kingdom of God does NOT come with your careful observation, nor will people say 'Here it is, ' or 'There it is,' because the kingdom of God is WITHIN YOU."  -Luke 17:20-21.